Tuesday, April 20, 2010


T.S. Eliot wrote that April is the cruelest month as it mixes memory with desire. Indeed, it does do that. I also find it cruel because it is my birthday month. So while nature is busting forth with colorful new growth, I'm reminded of the passing of time.

For weeks I've been thinking about my old boyfriend Tom. He's been dead for almost twenty years. He left way too soon. And I was way too young to appreciate what I had with him or what we had together. I guess I thought I was young enough that I would have many more chances at relationships - why should I bother working through the bumps and inconveniences of a relationship while there was still so much more out there to discover?

It's hard to reconcile such youthful foolishness. I wish I could have done things differently, but of course, that's not possible. Tom is not forgotten; his spirit still lives on in my heart, and he knows how significant he was in the shaping of who I am today.

I realize this is all sounding very sentimental and maudlin, but hey, it's my birthday, and I'm feeling old! Just let me rattle on, I'm almost done.

What I'm trying to keep in mind (and usually failing at) is that ten years ago I remember feeling self-conscious and unattractive. Now I look at pictures of myself from that period and I think I was pretty hot. When I look at pictures of myself ten years from now I'll probably think I was looking pretty good now. If I could just remember to stay in the moment and be grateful for what I have, then all this concern for aging and lost time might not be so consuming of the time I do have.

Vanity and self-consciousness prevent me from enjoying who I am right now. Cherry blossoms bloom for a very short time. But if I'm worried about them falling - then I'm not really enjoying them, am I?

Happy birthday to me.

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