Sunday, April 6, 2008

whack a mole

I'm usually a pretty happy guy.
I do live in New York City. Trains run late, trying to maneuver through crowds can be annoying and sitting next to someone on the subway with cheap earphones and blaring hip-hop coming from their head can be trying to the most tolerant. But even with that I somehow have managed to put into practice tools to help ease the irritability of city life.

There are days like today, however, when almost everything leaves me restless, irritable and discontent. Was there a moment when I could've made a different choice and my day would've turned out differently?

I welcome the opportunity to be of service to others. It helps me to get out of my own self-centered mindset and to feel useful. Why then, when I'm experiencing emotional discomfort, is it so hard for me to ask others for help? Is it pride? Do I see it as somehow emasculating to say "I'm uncomfortable could you please help me?"

I do wish I could welcome hardships as an opportunity to grow. I know that without having been through the trials I've been trough I wouldn't be who I am today.

Every morning I start my day with a few moments of prayer. Every morning I ask God to remove from me all the short comings in me which prevent me from being of service to God and to those around me and I name a few of those things. Top of the list are always selfishness, self-centeredness, self pity, arrogance, impatience, intolerance. And I ask to be shown the way of kindliness, patience, tolerance and love in all that I do.

I've come to really treasure this morning prayer time and sometimes I think it really makes a difference in how I relate to the world. Other times I think I've just made myself more aware of the short comings in my make up and as I go out to face the world around me I begin to see just how selfish, self-centered and intolerant I really am.

When I think one of those short comings is taken care of... POW another pops up and is, seemingly, more unpleasant than the previous one.

Perhaps I would be a happier person if I could just get away from myself for a while. It has been said by many and often:
"No matter where I go there I am".

Oh to be relieved of the bondage of self.

I'll have another chance tomorrow.

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