Sunday, May 18, 2008

lonely town

I'm trying to keep my head up in the face of disappointment. I'm failing.

What is the limit one person can sustain before they break under the pressure of cumulative disenchantment? Perhaps everyone has a specific ration of hope and with every instance of disillusionment it gets chipped away. The piece I started out with has been carved into by unfortunate circumstances, mostly of my own making, gotten smaller and smaller and I find myself disconsolate.

I should know by now not to get my hopes up. I think: this time it's going to be different. And then it's not.

I understand that people are afraid. I'm afraid. I understand that feelings are uncomfortable. Yeah, I'm uncomfortable too. I don't understand why people feel they need to be dishonest.

I feel different and alone.

Today in church I was sitting next to a gay couple with a little girl. The girl was maybe about seven years old. She was dressed up in a cute little dress and sweater set with matching ribbons in her pigtails and her two daddies were holding hands and taking turns quietly caring for her when she got restless. They seemed so happy. How does someone get that?

What have I continued to do wrong? Can my situation be fixed or is it me who needs fixing? Am I too honest? Too much too soon? Too needy? Do I not have enough to offer or is it all just too late? Perhaps all I have to lean on is my experience of having been here before and knowing that no matter how uncomfortable I get - this is not going to kill me. Though it feels like it might.

I don't want to allow these continued unfulfilled expectations and frustrations to make me bitter and closed. I pray for an open mind and a new experience. I send love to all those who've caused me dolor. I surrender myself to God's will and thank Him for whatever He has in store for me. I need to be reminded that I am being protected, that when I get what I want I'm usually headed for mental and spiritual agitation.


Ilene said...

love you very, very much.

Flick said...

How I wish I were as articulate as you. I remember posting long, rambling entries about how lonely I was feeling, but mine always sounded like ... well, like long rambling entries. Yours are poetic. Painful, yes, but I think you're really tapped into your heart, so you're more ... clear? Is that it? I think so ...