Monday, May 26, 2008

surrender

I woke up this morning frustrated and annoyed. I hadn't slept well, Zeke woke me up too early and I was physically uncomfortable. I had an extended morning meditation and prayer and I felt an insurgence of willingness to have my shortcomings lifted. I began to feel some relief. I stood up and snapped right back into irritation.

Nothing was going my way and anger was rising in me. I fed it. Indignant. I was powerless over my thoughts and my feelings. Everything was wrong and everyone else was to blame. The phone, the laundry, the computer, the dog.
I felt I had to fight for what I wanted. I just didn't know what that was. I knew it was something that I wasn't getting and I knew it wasn't my fault.

The tumult and emotional disturbance hit a trigger and finally, through no doing of my own, autopilot kicked in and I was brought back to the correct trajectory. I began to take actions instead of trying to manipulate outcomes. Almost separate from myself, I trudged through the dark labyrinth of my own anger and frustration till slowly the muscle memory of doing the next right thing took hold. I reached out to someone who I knew needed comforting.

From that moment my day changed. I abandoned my own idea of what I should be experiencing and allowed a new experience. I left the house with Zeke and we found ourselves at a picnic in the park by the water eating fresh fruit under a willow tree with a group of strangers who've bonded over rescuing dogs. My friend met me and we walked together, with Zeke, in this glorious day.

The day continued to unfold the way it was supposed to not the way I wanted it to and it was lovely. Why does it take me so long to remember that I need not suffer? How many times must I learn the same lesson over and over? When will I know instinctively to let go and accept what is rather than try to mold it into what it's not? The concept of surrender is a simple one yet to take that action continues to be difficult. As always, pain is the price of admission. Humility brings strength out of weakness and it is only through surrender that I am able to win.

2 comments:

Ilene said...

One day I will be reading your story in edition 5 or 6 of our BB. Reading your entry today about surrender was my morning prayer.
Love you, Ilene

Flick said...

Lovely, really. It's amazing to me that we all KNOW how to center, to balance, but we forget that it's worth the time and effort. Yeesh.