Tuesday, April 20, 2010

sakura

T.S. Eliot wrote that April is the cruelest month as it mixes memory with desire. Indeed, it does do that. I also find it cruel because it is my birthday month. So while nature is busting forth with colorful new growth, I'm reminded of the passing of time.

For weeks I've been thinking about my old boyfriend Tom. He's been dead for almost twenty years. He left way too soon. And I was way too young to appreciate what I had with him or what we had together. I guess I thought I was young enough that I would have many more chances at relationships - why should I bother working through the bumps and inconveniences of a relationship while there was still so much more out there to discover?

It's hard to reconcile such youthful foolishness. I wish I could have done things differently, but of course, that's not possible. Tom is not forgotten; his spirit still lives on in my heart, and he knows how significant he was in the shaping of who I am today.

I realize this is all sounding very sentimental and maudlin, but hey, it's my birthday, and I'm feeling old! Just let me rattle on, I'm almost done.

What I'm trying to keep in mind (and usually failing at) is that ten years ago I remember feeling self-conscious and unattractive. Now I look at pictures of myself from that period and I think I was pretty hot. When I look at pictures of myself ten years from now I'll probably think I was looking pretty good now. If I could just remember to stay in the moment and be grateful for what I have, then all this concern for aging and lost time might not be so consuming of the time I do have.

Vanity and self-consciousness prevent me from enjoying who I am right now. Cherry blossoms bloom for a very short time. But if I'm worried about them falling - then I'm not really enjoying them, am I?

Happy birthday to me.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

cheesecake

I got this recipe from my father a number of years ago. I believe that the recipe originally said it was a Lindy's cheesecake (the once famous New York eatery) though I can't be sure. Regardless of its origins, this cake kicks ass! I made it this last Sunday for an Easter/Passover gathering, and again, it didn't disappoint. Far from it. It seems that every time I make it I forget one of the ingredients (this last time I accidentally left out the cream, other times I've forgotten to add the flour to the filling), but it doesn't seem to make any difference. It has a simple, almost butter cookie-like crust, but the real kicker here is the freshly grated lemon and orange zests. It gives the cake a surprising citrus-y, aromatic lightness that balances out its super creamy heaviness perfectly.

CRUST:
1 cup flour
1 stick butter (room temperature)
1/4 cup sugar
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 egg yolk

FILLING:
5 8oz. packages of cream cheese
1 3/4 cups sugar
3 Tablespoons flour
1 1/2 teaspoons @ grated lemon & orange zests
1/4 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 cup heavy cream
5 eggs
2 egg yolks

Combine flour, sugar, lemon zest, and vanilla. Make a hole in the center and add yolk and butter. Mix till the dough cleans the side of the bowl. Form the dough into a ball, wrap in wax paper and refrigerate for at least an hour.

Preheat oven to 400.
Grease the bottom and sides of a 10" spring form with butter. Remove the sides of the pan.
Take a third of the dough and roll flat to fit the bottom of the pan. Trim the edge.
Bake for 8 to 10 minutes.
Divide the remainder of the dough in 3 or 4 parts and roll into strips about 2 1/2 or 3 inches wide.
Put the pan together and using your fingers, fit the wide strips of dough to the sides of the pan.
Use a sharp knife and trim the dough so it comes 3/4 the way up the sides of the pan. Refrigerate.

Raise oven to 500.

Mix cheese, sugar, flour, citrus zests, and vanilla. Beat to blend.
Beat in eggs and yolks one at a time, add cream. Continue mixing till well combined and then pour the cheese mixture into the pan.

Bake for 10 minutes, then reduce heat to 350 and bake for 1 hour.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

j'aimais

I loved all games and fairy tales
As strangely odd as that may seem

I loved firelight and witches' tales
You see, you were there in my dreams


You leaped buildings in single bounds
Although I well may ask you how

You bayed the moon just like a hound

I knew I adored you now


You laced the night with raging storms
You threw lightning 'cross the skies

You kissed my mouth with promises
You burned me with your lies


You loved me like a poet loves
My nights were made of stars and fears

Thinking that you would go away

And leave me with only my tears

I loved the towns where we made love
And the hotels where we played games
You thought I'd never live it down
Yet you see, I've forgotten your name

(Jaques Brel translated from french)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

bit off more than I could chew

School comes hand-in-hand with reading and writing, that’s a given. I’m taking a literature class in espionage and spy fiction so, of course, there’s going to be a considerable amount of reading there. I’m also taking a class where each week we screen a film and then we're expected to write a reaction paper, or analysis of that film for the next week’s class. The class is called Dark Dreams: Studying the Horror Film. It’s really fascinating and the professor is super-smart and has great taste in films, so I’m happy to do the work that’s expected for that class.

When registering, I had pretty much decided that I was going to be taking those two classes, and I knew that they were both likely to have a pretty heavy workload. I needed to choose a third class for the semester, and so I figured I should probably choose one that wasn't as likely to have so much work. I perused the catalog, and judging from the various class descriptions, I chose 'The Culture of Food' thinking that we would be talking about how different cultures eat, how certain “ethnic” foods became popular in American culture, etc. Well, we do talk about that stuff, but we are also expected to read an abundance of classic essays from different anthologies of anthropologist’s writings; Margaret Mead, Claude Lévi-Strauss, etc… And then we are expected to write a reaction paper to everything that we’ve read.

Now, I’m not saying that this stuff isn’t interesting - far from it. But it takes a couple of readings for me to fully understand these anthropologist's theories, and then I have to wrestle with writing about them.

This turns out not to be a cute-little-food-class-to-fill-in-your-schedule as I was expecting/hoping it would be. It is rather a full-on, hardcore anthropology course!

I know – It’s called school for a reason. What did I expect? I just wanted to give you guys an idea of what’s been going on with me and why I haven’t been more blog-active lately. Who knows, maybe further into the semester we’ll actually eat stuff. Right now I have to go write a paper about the introduction of sugar to the European continent and its significant consequence to the trans-Atlantic slave trade.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

spiritual toolbox

This morning the Reverend Dr. James Forbes, senior pastor emeritus of Riverside Church, is speaking at Riverside to commemorate Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's birthday. I've been considering going up to hear him since last night when I heard that he was going to be speaking. I've heard Forbes preach a number of times - he is a gifted orator; usually moving, and inspiring, however the politically-charged and divisive senior pastor scandal last year at Riverside, coupled with my recent personal experiences with churches and liturgy, have me leaning in the direction of not going. Recently I have witnessed much artifice but little substance; lots of talk - not so much walk.

While struggling with some personal issues, with Frankie's illness and death, and while wrestling with the responsibilities of being a health-care proxy, I've sought support in various places. Surprisingly the church was not very receptive to my needs. I do realize that I am responsible for my own experience of things and that all the things that don't work for me have one thing in common: me. Having been part of a church community, however, and having specifically asked for help, I am still somewhat surprised that I didn't receive more reaching out, more pastoral care. Perhaps I have been looking outside myself for some sort of spiritual panacea when I might have been concentrating on myself and how I could be growing spiritually.

Friends In Deed has been a good resource for grief counseling and self care, and I am blessed to have a small but consistent network of people who freely share their experience with me in a way that is firm, yet gentle and loving. I've had the opportunity to speak with some remarkable people these past few months; pastors, social workers, hospice workers - I have found that the people who choose to work with dying people and their families are astoundingly caring and helpful - one doesn't go into that line of work for money or prestige. They have reminded me that they will remain available to me when or if I choose to seek support though them.

Help is all around me if I take the time to seek it out. If I am quiet and look inside, I can sometimes listen to that Inner Voice that usually sets me on the path of Good Orderly Direction. I have a full set of spiritual tools, I just usually choose not to use them until I'm in pain. There is a saying that 'God is good all the time', and I have to believe that having come through this difficult patch without much outside help has allowed me to see my own strength, it has allowed me to acknowledge the value of growth through personal struggle. It's not like this is a new concept - apparently I just need to have things spelled out for me - repeatedly.




Wednesday, January 13, 2010




Frankie Buschke
July 14, 1941 - January 13, 2010

My friend took her last breath earlier this afternoon. I'm not sure exactly what I am feeling, except that it was a privilege to know her and to be able to be of service to her during the last months of her life. She suffered terribly but managed to keep her love of life and sense of humor till the end. Frankie was a loving light that touched many lives. She was an inspiration to me, and I will miss her always.



Saturday, January 9, 2010

acceptance

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I could not be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes...

When I focus on what's good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what's bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on the problem, the problem increases; if I focus on the answer, the answer increases...

Perhaps the best thing of all for me to remember is that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations... I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations...

Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that's God's will for me...

I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my acceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance.

from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous
4th edition: Acceptance Was The Answer
3rd edition: Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict

Thursday, December 31, 2009

spikes of lucidity

It is the last day of 2009, there was a heavy snow storm this morning but it's powdery blanket has left the city almost as quickly as it came. I have seen Frankie everyday since Christmas. She continues to be made comfortable by medications and a caring staff, she also continues to deteriorate both physically and mentally. There are moments when it seems she has full mental capacity; she'll begin to say something or ask a question, but these moments of clarity are usually short, and just as quickly she'll trail off and recede into her metastases stupor.

Yesterday I spent a couple of hours with her. We talked a little, I fed her some soup, I read to her a bit, but mostly she slept as I sat with her. When it was clear that she was sound asleep, I left and crossed the park back to the West Side.

At about seven o'clock my phone rang, it was Frankie.

"Hi Honey!" I said excitedly when I heard her voice.

"What's with you?" she said, "why do you sound like that?"

"I'm just happy to hear you sounding so good. How are you feeling?" I asked.

"Sounding good? I feel awful, I can't get comfortable." she said fully alert, " When are you coming over here?"

"I was just there for a few hours today," I said "We talked and I fed you some soup."

"You were?" she cut me off, "Oh God, this is awful, I don't remember a thing. What kind of soup?"

"Squash soup," I said "you really liked it, you ate it all."

"I did? Oh no, that soup's awful!" She responded "This is all so terrible. It's like I'm on a different planet."

And then just as quickly she left. The words became difficult and she couldn't get them out. The nurse took the phone from her and told me that she needed to sleep.

Early on, when I took on the responsibility of being Frankie's health care proxy, I was told that metastases with brain involvement is often much more difficult for the family and care-givers than it is for the patient. The patient can be kept comfortable as the disease progresses, but they often drift into dementia, or slip into unconsciousness and mental deterioration. It can become increasingly more difficult for loved ones who are left to watch this happen. It seems that this is exactly what is happening to Frankie.

Today I was there again and she was much like she was yesterday. Her head remained tilted to one side and her mouth hung slightly open. She drifted in and out of sleep, and the few times she attempted to speak it was difficult and clearly frustrating for her as she couldn't string together more than two or three words at a time. I fed her some apple sauce, moisturized her hands, head, and face, and did some hand-holding and talking. I brought a sandwich with me and ate it in the chair next to her bed. I talked to her about the snow storm this morning, asked if she needed anything, and tried to make her comfortable. I noticed that someone had left a copy of "As Bill Sees It" in her room, so I read a passage from it.


A man appeared in the doorway, his face crinkled in anger and discomfort, resting his weight on a cane, a small woman standing behind him. Frankie looked toward the door and with full force and clear, crisp diction said: "Oh my God, Is that my brother Herman?"

I left the room and sat outside in the anteroom with Herman's wife. Frankie has been estranged from her family for years. I don't know the specifics of their history, nor do I want to, but as adults they have not been part of each other's lives. Herman's wife asked me about Frankie's condition, her prognosis, etc. I gave her brief answers and we just sat as Frankie and Herman spoke in the other room. After a few minutes Herman began to walk back out through the doorway but stopped as Frankie said in a loud, clear voice, "I just want you to know that I love you."

Herman turned around and reentered the room and said to his sister, " I love you too."


The wife took my hand and with teary eyes said, "I'm so glad he was able to say that."

Herman walked back out of the room and said over his shoulder, "Be good"

Frankie responded loudly, "Not much chance of that"

"Well if you can't be good be careful"

This exchange was done in such a quick and steady tempo that it suggested to me this may have been something that they said regularly to each other years before.

Herman and his wife left. The visit couldn't have been more than fifteen minutes, but the arrogant and curmudgeonly man that had entered the room just minutes before left an altered man. The short time with his sister had clearly been healing and transformative. It illustrated to me the importance of closure, and reconciliation, and the power of forgiveness.

I went back in to see how Frankie was doing and she was completely spent. The exchange with her brother had taken all the energy she could muster. I leaned down and asked her if she was alright or if I could get her anything, and she couldn't form words, her mouth made odd shapes and she could produce only weak sounds. I took her hand and said, "That was something, wasn't it?" She squeezed my hand, looked up at me, and smiled. I went out to get her some apple juice to give her a few sips, but before I could tear the paper off the bendy straw I saw that she was sound asleep. I kissed her on the head and left.

Friday, December 25, 2009

xmas morn

It's Christmas morning and for the first time in a long time I am not with my family. I woke up this morning with a dog on one side of me and a cat on the other side of me, (perhaps a personal joke from my Higher Power illustrating that I am not really alone) but no tree, no presents, no carols, no festive breakfast, and no drama. Admittedly I kind of miss all the holiday hoopla. The planning and arranging leading up to this day has always been wrought with drama, and even this year the build up has been difficult. But I'm staying home this year and doing what I need to do, I'm trying to hold steady to a personal idea of Christmas - an idea that what I bring to the table is more important than what I take from it - though the table may not even be where I thought it was.

My friend Frankie is in the last stages of cancer, and she was moved yesterday from an inpatient hospice facility at a hospital downtown to a smaller, longer-term hospice residence across town from me. I went to see her last night and she was pretty much incoherent. She has been heavily medicated for weeks now because of the extreme pain, but yesterday she was medicated even more than usual to make her transfer less traumatic. Frankie hasn't been able to get out of bed for a few weeks and she gets confused easily.

I tried talking with her a little but she was having difficulty understanding me. I gave her a few sips of apple juice, held her hand, and sat with her a while. The new facility is actually very nice. She's in
a rather pretty and small private room on the sixteenth floor with a big window facing west - a big unobstructed patch of sky - perfect for viewing sunsets. I put a few things around the room so that she might feel more at home when she woke up. Then I walked down Third Avenue about ten blocks and took the 86th street bus home through the park. There were crowds of last minute shoppers juggling bags and running into stores. I feel like I'm missing out this year - like something's passing me by, but it's really OK.

I walked Zeke down by the river early this morning. The frigid wind whipped around us as we walked the narrow paths that have been shoveled through the now crusty and hardened snow. I will treat myself to a quiet Christmas breakfast and then make my way back across town to check on Frankie to see if she's comfortable and getting settled in.

I've felt more than a little disappointed these past few weeks - treading new territory, unsupported - the holiday spirit has completely evaded me; no family plans, no trips, no church home, no holiday parties, no special someone to shop for - self pity is a default setting for me in the best of times, when I'm in an emotionally challenging place, and especially during the holidays, these settings have a tendency to get rigidly set and magnified.

If I take a few steps back, breathe, and look at the bigger picture, I'm able to see that this year, rather than being invested in giving or getting the grooviest gifts, I'm putting some packages under a big invisible Christmas tree - a tree of good conscience and right action, a karma tree, or since Frankie's been a practicing Buddhist for years, a bodhi tree.

This morning I'm opening a gift of perspective. As I'm unwrapping it I can see more clearly what it is to be blessed. It is truly a gift to be able to show up for someone who needs me, and though this isn't the way I would have chosen to spend Christmas, I realize that there is a greater Power and a deeper reason for me to examine the vital Christmas message that it is better to give than to receive.

Peace on earth.

Friday, October 23, 2009

La Ciudad

I have been so busy with school lately that I haven't been able to post anything for a while. Just to keep up I thought I'd share something that I wrote for my class: Race, Class, and Gender in American Film. The following paper is a response to screening La Ciudad, a 1997 film by director David Riker.



Loss, frustration, hope, and the promise of a new life in the land of opportunity are just some of the components of the stories that unfold in the four chapters of La Ciudad. Each chapter starts its journey from the central location of a photography shop that advertises visa applications and passport photos. Inside la photgrafia, false backdrops are put in place to help create the artifice that accompanies the smiles of these people who are ever-present but rarely seen. A montage of black and white portraits give us glimpses into the faces of Latin American immigrants longing for opportunity. These are faces worn away by poverty and suffering, yet filled with hope; these portraits provide a chance for us to see those who are otherwise invisible, and the photographs themselves are proof of their existence.

Riker’s searing depiction of Latin American Immigrant life is especially hard hitting. It is an unrelenting and often unpleasant, gut punch of reality to a nation founded by forefathers who fled their own homelands to create greater opportunity for future generations. The same manner of hardships and social injustices that were so difficult to overcome for the Irish, Italian, Eastern European, and Jewish immigrants of the last century, continue to impede Latin American immigrants today. It is ironic that Riker’s stories take place in New York City, the home of Ellis Island, historically the first major point of entry for immigrants, a city nicknamed ‘the melting pot’ to describe its densely populated immigrant neighborhoods, and a city that boasts and celebrates its multi-ethnic and multi-cultural diversity.

The quartet of challenging and heartbreaking stories in La Ciudad brings to the surface an abundance of critical issues. As the agonizing lives of these new Americans unfold with an increasing sense of urgency, each segment is strung together, and floats atop the curious choice of romantic woodwind, chamber music. The plaintive call of an oboe leads the viewer from one chapter to the next, and perhaps this choice of a melancholy wind ensemble is meant to echo the sustained motifs of being lost, faith, disassociation from family, and the concept of ‘home.' Where is home? What is home? The answers to these questions about home are never answered directly, but it is revealed that home may be a station wagon in an abandoned lot, a housing project, faraway places in cherished letters, or more consequential, but certainly less tangible; the love of a child and family.

I was very interested to read about the casting of non-actors in the film, the challenges that that involved, and the various improvisation exercises that were used to help create a trusting and safe environment for the players to express their inner emotional life; intimate and painful emotions that were expressed and captured so vividly in the film. Especially moving to me was the description of the improvisation exercise in the church where the women were crawling under tables and chairs, remembering what it was like crossing the border at night. During the exercise one woman pulled off her earrings and put them in her bra to protect herself from being robbed, the other women saw this gesture, remembered the same experience, and began to cry.

La Ciudad examines illegal immigration, health care, and education; all vital issues that always carry weight and urgency but, in the current political climate these issues are perhaps more relevant than ever. Just this past September, South Carolina House Representative Joe Wilson interrupted a Presidential address shouting, “You lie!” when the President mentioned Illegal immigrants not being covered in the current healthcare bill. Xenophobia and anti-immigration sentiment is so high that this kind of unwarranted, ignorant eruption should hardly seem shocking. The white, patriarchal, capitalist ideal is being threatened and its protectors will vociferously object, no matter how inappropriate or sophomoric.


I lived in San Francisco for ten years and during that time I worked in a number of restaurants. From my experience working in the food service industry I saw that behind the scenes, or in ‘the back of the house’, a number of the people who contribute to the successful operation of a restaurant are undocumented workers. It being California, most of these workers were Mexican. At one of the restaurants, where I worked for a number of years, there were several young Mexican men who washed dishes, bussed tables, cleaned the restaurant after hours, and a few eventually worked their way to kitchen staff. They lived together in an apartment with several other young Mexican men, they worked as many shifts as they could, and they sent most of their money home to help support their families in Mexico. These men, boys really, were always pleasant, good spirited, friendly, helpful, and sometimes worked twelve or fourteen-hour shifts. I can only recount my own experience in the food industry where the undocumented workers that I worked with were being paid and fed regularly, I have no personal familiarity to relate anything of the experience of the migrant workers who maintain farms all over the nation, or of the day laborers that I would see waiting for work in front of the lumber yards in San Francisco’s Mission district, or of the unfair and exploitative conditions of the many other undocumented workers, like those shown in the film.

I am baffled and infuriated by claims that Mexicans are crossing the borders and taking American jobs. I do not believe that an American is losing their job because an undocumented Mexican is willing to work fourteen hours a day as a dishwasher, or sewing bridesmaid’s dresses in a sweatshop, or picking lettuce. No one is losing employment because immigrants are being used, however illegally, to continue to grease the wheels of capitalism. Behind these misleading claims that immigrants are corrupting the nation and the economy is a world of ignorance. Those who champion these opinions may perhaps not recognize that many of the components that contribute to their own entitled lives may very well have passed through immigrant hands; the bricks that hold up their walls, the vegetables on their dining room tables, the dishes they eat off of in restaurants, or the take-out dinners being delivered to their front doors.

These same imprudent voices call for building walls at the border. Building walls at the border will only force immigrants to find other ways to enter the country. Workers will go where there is work and no wall will prevent this from happening. The continued misdirected anger at illegal immigrants in the name of patriotism is pointless and misguided. Migrant workers are driven by need and as long as there is work they will be there. Building bridges rather than walls is what we should be concentrating on. The United States is a market place and immigrants will be coming here whether it is legally sanctioned or not. Rather than continue this futile fight to protect our borders from the perceived enemy of an immigrant workforce, our nation might consider creating programs that will permit immigrants to work in this country and return home to their own countries to support their families.

Friday, September 18, 2009

the ever after

Every time I think to write something here I consider that my time might be better spent working on something for school - I have so much reading to do and papers to write. Why spend time writing something for the blog? No one reads this stuff anyway - then I inevitably lose focus and do something completely unrelated, like play scrabble on facebook or tool around some unmentionable website or other.


What comes to my mind when I do feel like sharing my thoughts here lately is transiency: the passing of time, aging, impermanence, change, death, and people who are no longer here. I know that this recurring theme puts me at risk of sounding like an octogenarian, a morose introspective one at that, but perhaps all of these recent celebrity deaths have something to do with it. Iconic figures from my childhood have been jumping off the edge of existence and into the mysterious dominion of the hereafter. This seems to have been the summer of celebrity casualties – Farrah, Michael, Senator Ted Kennedy, Bea Arthur - just this week we said goodbye to Patrick Swayze and Mary Travers. I’m flooded with remembrances and recollections.


This is morbid, I know, but sometimes I google people from my past and see what I can find. More than a few times I’ve discovered obituaries of people I didn’t know had joined the ranks of the ever after.


Recently I did a google image search and found a couple of pictures of my friend Noel Craig (see above). He was a Broadway actor and was featured in a few issues of After Dark magazine, an arts and theater magazine from the 70’s with a heavy gay leaning. Noel died in the spring of 2002, the same time that I relocated back to New York from California. I didn’t know that he had died and only found out when I tried repeatedly to contact him after my return. Noel was a mentor, a playmate, and a friend. He helped guide me, usually inappropriately, into my adult sexuality. We had a long history as running buddies and though he was just about crazy as they get, one of the many holes in my heart has his name on it.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

groff


I had another ghost sighting today. I had just finished a late lunch with a friend in the Chelsea Market and was looking around some of the food vendors when I noticed that the man buying vegetables next to me was someone I hadn’t seen in at least 20 years. Years, hair loss, and medications have rendered me relatively unrecognizable from what I was back then, and, though it might be generous to call this a mixed blessing, today I was grateful for it. He had aged dramatically, yet I recognized him immediately. I was fairly stunned. The years had not been kind to him. I began thinking about time, mislaid years, and aging. Lost in my head, I tumbled around in a brackish muck of self-pity and remorse - I tried to find my way back out but couldn’t.

I didn’t mention any of this to my friend and tried to simply shrug it off, but the memories kept coming back. I was shocked at such disturbing, visual evidence of the passing of time. I continued to stare straight ahead and walk through it as though nothing had happened, unaffected.

My friend and I climbed up to the High Line and we walked. We chatted, and we looked at the river, and we walked. We looked at the passing boats, and we talked about how we did or didn't like certain new additions to the skyline, and we walked. We noticed tourists and we stopped to take the occasional photo. I was still fighting the sour ball of melancholy that had lodged in my chest. The sun was hot and bright, and we stopped under one of the overpasses while my friend took a few photos of some building or other. I turned and saw another familiar face - this one much more recent and kind of famous. I took two steps forward.

“You are fabulous” I gushed.

I actually couldn’t help myself, the gushing kept bubbling forth, unstoppable bilious froth.

“My name is _____. I just saw you in "The Bacchae," and I also saw you in "Hair" last year. I think you are just fabulous”

“My name is Jonathan, Hello and thank you.” He took my hand in one hand and rested his other hand on my shoulder.

“Oh, I saw you in "The Singing Forrest" too!"

“Really?”

“I think you are just terrific, really. Congratulations on your success.”

He smiled, he may have said thank you again, I’m not sure.

“The world is your oyster and you should enjoy it.” Perhaps he thought I was a mad stalker; luckily he seemed sincerely moved.

It was only after the encounter ended that my friend, who witnessed the entire thing and needed to be told who he was, assured me that he did, in fact, seem genuinely touched. She then told me that New York Magazine’s Matrix had just trashed his performance as Dionysus in "The Bacchae" and that the show had just been horribly reviewed in today's New York Times.

This might have been a very difficult day for him. I’m not worried that it will last long for Mr. Groff - er - Jonathan rather (we are on a first name basis). This is a very talented kid with a huge rising star. This Friday, Ang Lee’s "Taking Woodstock" is opening and he is in it! "The Bacchae" is closing Saturday and by this time next week Jonathan's cute but awkward Dionysus and the accompanying bad reviews will be history.

If this was a difficult or lousy day for him perhaps my few moments of gushing brought some light in an otherwise dark afternoon. It certainly relieved me of the sour, disquieting feelings brought on by my earlier sighting. Sometimes not being able to edit might be a good thing.

Friday, August 14, 2009

august



Summer
in the city - I love it. While others complain of the oppressive heat and try to stay inside climate controlled spaces to avoid roasting I can’t help but think about the brittle, crackling cold that is only months away. I've been trying to spend as much time as I can outside. I slather my tattooed arm with sunscreen (sun exposure is the only thing that can damage tattoos) and I walk. I spend a lot of time walking around the city. I walk and I sweat, I stop to eat fruit and drink water and then I walk more. Different neighborhoods, parks, across town, by the river - I walk down blocks I think I’ve never been down before and all of a sudden I’ll see a familiar building or an intersection - visual triggers that trip specific recollections. In these past few warm weeks memories have been flooding my consciousness relentlessly. I’ve been visited by things, situations, times, and people that I haven’t thought about in years. It’s as if I’m caught inside a kaleidoscope of repressed experiences where colors and shapes flash by and let loose a cascade of forgotten moments and feelings: rolling waves, without space or reason, long absent sensations and emotions, rush and recede.

Sometimes it’s little things; an exchange with a stranger, the touch of a hand, the smell of popcorn or pizza fresh out of a wood burning oven, standing on line for a movie, I don’t remember whom I was with but I remember the movie, I remember the weather, I remember the time of day.

Names come rushing back - they wash over me: Hank,Tony, Todd, Karen, Nino, Bill, Barbara, Stephen, Sean. And, of course, countless faces I no longer have names for. What happened to them? Where are they now? Did they go on to have careers and families? Did they move away and create comfortable lives for themselves or did they make poor choices? Perhaps succumb to disease, addiction, or some other misfortune, as so many others, and pass away too soon?


The other day I passed a street corner and remembered seeing Tim Kramer on that corner. Tim Kramer was a tall, blond, sexy, sun-kissed, surfer-type, gay porn star of the 1980’s with a pouty, bad-boy smirk, mischievous eyes, and tousled, flaxen hair. He was one of the early casualties of the AIDS epidemic. I saw him on the street and we had lingering eye contact on that very spot where I was standing, maybe twenty-five years earlier.

I know that close friends who have passed on remain with me: their laughter, their touch, the knowing looks that friends give one another. I feel them, they somehow still remain; they're here.

What about strangers?


New York City is truly a melting pot year round but walking around the island of Manhattan in August, I’ve become especially aware of visitors from far reaches of the globe. Midtown in August - the pot simmers and bubbles to produce an especially concentrated, international reduction; just in the distance of one block one might hear Italian, Hebrew, French, Russian, Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, and Korean. Sometimes I’ll hear a conversation in a language that I can’t identify and I’ll walk alongside till I can either identify the tongue or give up. The clacking of foreign tongues, their diverse cadence and inflection, car radios, sirens, games being played in the parks, all add to the rhythm of the city. In August, even the heated traffic sounds different. I walk in an escalating tempo and notice that I'm keeping time to the beat of the summer street.


I came back from visiting my sister the second week of July to learn that a kid I have been trying to help get sober for the last 9 or 10 months, I call him a kid but he’s 30 years old, had gone out on a two week cocaine binge. He suffered some sort of a psychotic break and in order to escape the imagined boogeymen coming after him, jumped, naked, out of his third story bathroom window. He suffered three broken vertebrae, two broken legs, and was all cut up, as he actually went through part of the window. He has had five surgeries, titanium rods put in his left leg, repeated surgery on his back, and was recently moved to a physical rehab where he’ll likely stay for the next few months.


Being witness to this kind of senseless, self-inflicted suffering stretches the mind in unexpected ways. Being able to show up for him and his family, to sit through the awkward hospital silences and uncomfortable feelings - to watch everyone involved struggle through the consequences of drugs, alcohol, and bad choices reminds me that I really am one of the lucky ones. How is it that I managed to escape a similar episode? Is there such a thing as fate or is life experience just the luck of the draw? What is the difference between chance and grace?

I know that I am not alone. I guess I've not yet done what I've been put here to do and so I keep walking. Those who have gone on before me and those who are still here, they walk with me; they benefit from, and are all a part of, that same thing which allows me to walk in this continued unmerited favor.